combat writing badge C O M B A T
the Literary Expression of Battlefield Touchstones
ISSN 1542-1546 Volume 02 Number 03 Summer ©Jul 2004

The Ghost of George S. Patton Speaks

On your feet!

Take your seats.

Listen up, you pathetic panty-waists!

Since you lily-livered mollycoddles don't seem to get it, this is a basic refresher on why we keep going out of our way to defend a bunch of different people who aren't able to make their own peace. It keeps happening, right in front of you pathetic whiners, and you seemingly can't quite understand a few simple facts.

Alright, here's the first fact: America doesn't start wars, she ends them! For you tofu and yogurt eaters, addicted to reality TV and other Hollyweird fantasies, this means that we're the good guys, and we make the bad guys stop what they're doing! For you pot-smoking highbrows, it's called: liberation.

Here's another simple fact: America means what she says, and does what she says ... or, as our revolutionary founders said to the lobster-backs: "Watch our smoke!" For all you rocket scientists and couch potatoes out there who can always second-guess the leaders, but can't seem to balance your checkbooks or find your ass with both hands, this means that we are reliable and trustworthy. We pay our debts and enforce our treaties.

The next simple fact is that: whatever America says can be proven. Whatever we say, about ourselves, about our enemies, may not be pretty, but it's true. For all you conspiracy buffs, this means that the propaganda spread by secret agents and fellow travelers is probably not true, but will be very difficult to check. These fifth columnists, who enjoy the protection and security of our society while earning alot more money than me (or any other soldier guarding their rights!), will proclaim the unsubstantiated disinformation of our adversaries, without featuring our rebuttal. For those of you wearing blinders, this means that the important part of the story has not been told, is not being told, may never be told.

And this next simple fact is probably the most important: America is good because her people are good! For all of you professional liars and petty thieves, this means that we tolerate you ... but we sure as hell don't want our daughters to marry you, or our sons to grow-up to be like you! We know that power can corrupt, but we also know that power can work wonders ... it's not the power, but the abuse, that needs fixing.

We're not afraid of human nature. We've seen it wax and wane, and we'll undoubtedly see it swing again. Presently, a jihad has been proclaimed, and it too closely resembles genocide. We've seen holy wars and massacres before, and they too will probably recur. We've even had our own witch trials, McCarthyism, and auto-da-fés to shame us back into propriety, but we are not the cancerous Evil Empire that feeds upon itself. Our generous hand of assistance is openly extended to all the hopeless refugees around the world; and they find shelter and protection in our homeland.

The next simple fact is that: America obeys the laws, all of them, all the time! ... and when one of our own breaks the law, we punish him. For you maggots mesmerized by video games, this means that we play by the rules and lose points if we cheat. We expect the other guy to fight dirty, but we don't. We don't have to, because we're better than them. We know it. They know it. And now you dumb milksops know it too!

The next simple fact is almost too obvious, but since you out-of-step smacks don't get it, I'll explain. An atrocity violates the laws of warfare by its shocking, wicked, or cruel brutality; including attacks upon non-military targets, the employment of illegal weapons, the murder of non-combatants, the maiming of prisoners, and other outrages. Some atrocities of the latest Islamic jihad include the systematic rape of female prisoners, the summary execution of suspects, the extermination of ethnic minorities, the use of suicide bombers, the use of civilian crowds as barricades, the targeting of civilian vehicles and dwellings, and so on, and on. The simple fact is that: no atrocity has been committed by America, either in defense or in retaliation, for such provocations.

The supersensitive naysayers, who are too preoccupied by finger-pointing and hand-wringing to report on actual atrocities, have tried to exaggerate some minor discomfort and embarrassing pranks in the treatment of captured terrorists into a maniacal cause célèbre. There is no comparison between nudity and dismemberment, between cold meals and beheading, between fatigue and hanging. The simple fact is that humiliation is not equivalent to torture, and misjudgment is not equivalent to malice. The proof is that we are punishing those persons who were responsible for these transgressions, however well intentioned, while the sadism practiced by the Islamic fanatics was rewarded ... and will forever go unpunished unless we bring these extremists to justice in war crimes trials. In fact, these atrocities would not have ceased at all if we hadn't stop them!

The next simple fact is that: America's foes are serious. It may be hard for you squeamish ninnies to understand that there are many tyrannical and imperial regimes that resent American values. The collapse of the Berlin Wall and the breakup of the Soviet Union does not mean world peace! ... the world is a violent place! And, for you dunces who slept through the introduction, life's also quite unfair. The great learning and culture of Arabic peoples has been inherited by radical rag-heads, whose greater population controls a land mass larger than our own. Their enmity is unjust and their resources are vast. You are a vile infidel, and your profane lifestyle is an infestation of their belief. They don't want to convert you. They don't want to rule you. They want to destroy you! This simple fact should twist your nasty little panties into a wad!

Some of these sand niggers are plotting your extinction, and they have friends in remote lands who will cheer their success! They don't give a shit how sympathetic or progressive you are, how faithful or peace-loving. A big warm hug will not dispel anything, nor persuade anyone. They will not be deflected by tinsel or glitz or any other distraction. While you're preoccupied with gas prices and health care plans, they are a population too poor to file income tax, too primitive to invent toilet paper, and too devout to climb the evolutionary ladder. While you want to put a shopping outlet or food franchise in their neighborhood, they want to put an IED or WMD in your neighborhood! Your guarantee of their rights does not grant you any reciprocal rights. Your lower court ruling will have no effect on their higher court ruling if they manage to infect or burn or fry our great nation!

And the final simple fact is that: they attacked us! This is not some juvenile squabble in a schoolyard, where we justify our retribution for a bloody shirt with the complaint: "They started it!" We don't need to swagger like punks, and brag about doing them twice as hard as they did us. If you can get your head out of rectal defilade long enough to pay attention, then you'll discover that this ordeal is not the latest example of international adventurism by American pirates, by capitalist fat cats, by the superpower bully ... it's self defense! What part of protect your family and defend your home don't you twerps understand?! If you fall asleep on this watch then you might not get another chance to survive! If you don't stop pissing into the wind, then these camel jockeys are going to piss all over your grave!

Now, get up off your sorry butts and act like you care about something other than yourself, your comfort, your possessions, your privileges, your precious future. Pretend that you're an integral part of a cooperative community, and that your contribution of service and sacrifice is essential for its perpetual endurance. I know it's difficult, but maybe if you candy-asses try to forget about becoming a distinctive individual, and show some concern for others just like you, then it will make a difference. The bad people can go pound sand in the desert, leaving the good people to make a better world. The first thing we do is make it more secure ... then we can defeat their wrong ideas.

If you yellow-bellied sissies don't give a damn about this, and make it happen, then our backyard (and probably their entire district) is just going to become one big glass ashtray for my glowing cigar.

Alright, now you thumbsucking nitwits have the facts, plain and simple, so no more excuses!


by Pavlovich Bakunin
... who served as an advisor to a Vietnamese Airborne-Ranger unit, is retired from the U.S. Army, and now writes freelance; his work has appeared previously in this magazine.