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Audible Flatus

this directive (or something similar) was purportedly circulated to all commands during Operation Enduring Freedom

Operation Enduring Freedom

To: All Commands
Subj: Audible Flatus

  1. All commanders shall promulgate the substance of this directive to their subordinates upon receipt.

  2. It has come to the attention of this command that the indigenous peoples of the Near East, especially our Afghani allies, are morally offended by the abuse of their hospitality by the impolite practice of breaking wind within the hearing of these noble tribesmen by some rude and gross Americans ... a cultural transgression so repulsive that it is punished by beheading among devout Islamists! Although this ancient civilization formerly ate with only one hand, reserving the other for wiping away elimination, and previously bathed in urine, they find the audible flatus of foreigners to be an insult to their sophisticated lifestyle and a criticism of their magnificent cuisine. Furthermore, they find American informality regarding this natural process, especially the crude slang and juvenile antics surrounding such episodes, to compound the offense by a bemused disregard of the seriousness of this insult.

  3. Under the protections of the Status of Forces Agreement that has been negotiated, this command will henceforth prohibit audible flatus by all subject members whenever with or nearby indigenous persons, military and civilian, who may be inadvertantly offended. Failure to comply with this prohibition shall result in the administration of an Article 15 non-judicial punishment for conduct unbecoming a servicemember ... unless passing gas is so explosively loud and nauseatingly putrid as to create a dead zone similar to ground zero, which may then result in a Summary Court Martial. Officers are expected to set an appropriate example of self-control and restraint. The medical staff has pharmaceuticals for the treatment of excess flatus or native diarrhea, since, as a command policy, constipation is to be preferred to its alternatives. This prohibition against audible flatus, like other forms of self-discipline (eg: silence in ranks), is a routine part of military comportment.

  4. Enforcement of these terms and conditions is effective upon receipt of this directive; and the interpretation of alleged violations shall be under the jurisdiction of Civil Affairs (S-5) personnel, reinforced by the local constabulary.

  5. The reputation of the United States for service and sacrifice is dependent upon compliance with this directive. Although Special Forces personnel have been trained to covertly sneak out their intestinal gas so that its source cannot be positively identified, perhaps attributed to nearby camel or sheep, women or children, plausible deniability for everyone is paramount for sustaining good international relations.

  6. This command shall take proper notice of those who suffer hemorrhoids, diverticulitis, or ruptured intestines for the cause, and those persons who have gone above and beyond the call of duty by heroic suppression will be recognized by appropriate awards and decorations. Guidelines for sucking it up will be distributed in a later appendix.

  7. All commands are directed to counsel affected personnel, and to implement sensitivity training wherever necessary.

By order of the commander.

For the commander.
/s/Ringo Snuffler
MAJ Ringo Snuffler, AG

LTG Corky Stifler, OEFCOM CG