Is there CAV in Heaven?
An old soldier died and went to Heaven. Throughout his military
service he'd always been a foot-slogging grunt, and he wore a
two-starred Combat Infantryman's Badge. When he arrived at the
HQ's Pearly Gates, he stacked-arms, dropped his rucksack, and was
heartily greeted by Saint Peter, the Command Sergeant Major,
"Hey, GI, glad to see that you made it! You really deserve this
Heavenly assignment, and we need more "dogfaces" around here!".
"You can hang-out in the Day Room, while your in-processing is
finished, then we can issue your new uniform, and arrange a nice
billet for you. Just pass through the Main Gates, and turn along
the path to the right ... your cohorts are dispersed there."
The old grunt smiled, and was about to step into Heaven, when he
stopped to ask CSM Peter an important question, "Saint Pete, you
don't have any CAV up here, do you?
They picked on me everywhere I went throughout my whole career.
They'd yell insults, or throw rations, beer, spent brass, and
other trash at me whenever they rode by in a noisy fury. I really
"No way, GI!", Saint Peter declared. "There definitely ain't no
CAV here. We make them stay down at the
So, with a relieved sigh, the old grunt strode into Heaven ...
and immediately saw a gigantic cloud with a gun-tube sticking out
of it! The old grunt could hear all kinds of Hell breaking loose
... girls screaming, men laughing, music blaring, and bottles
breaking. "Hey, Saint Pete! You lied to me!", complained the old
grunt. "That's CAV!"
"No, not at all!", asserted CSM Peter. "That's just the new
updated mechanized infantry for more rapid deployment."
Feeling a little disoriented, the old grunt turned back onto the
path, but took no more than a few steps when he heard an even
louder racket coming from another cloud, which had an even bigger
gun-tube sticking out of it. As the old grunt observed, this
cloud began to rumble and quake while it maneuvered. Pointing an
accusing finger, the old grunt bellowed, "That's
"Relax, GI," soothed CSM Peter, "that's just the mobile field
artillery in their self-propelled howitzer. You remember those
guys. They used to bail you out when things got rough on the
So feeling very cautious and somewhat confused, the old grunt
turned back onto the path, but only took another few steps when
he was dramatically confronted by a charging helicopter! It was
racing around the clouds, with rotors whirling, tracers blazing,
rockets whizzing, flares shooting, chaff popping, music blasting,
and crewmen cavorting!! It was an awesome display of inexorable
Hellfire! The pilot wore a tasseled Stetson, glistening spurs,
and a handlebar mustache. He was holding a bottle of Jack
Daniels in each hand, and a beautifully voluptuous blonde
perched in his lap! Crossed sabres were garishly painted in
fluorescent gold on the sides of the chopper. In a fit of
maddened gesticulation, the old grunt cried hysterically,
"CAV! That's the
CAV! I know
CAV when I see it!"
"Now calm down, GI," reassured CSM Peter, "that ain't
CAV either. That's
GOD. He just thinks He's