Chicken Crossing RBIs and Staff Study
Army Command-Specific Responses
to the Subject and its Actuation
- Chicken Crossing the Road
- The presenting problems for resolution are how and
why do chickens cross roads?
- TRAINING AND DOCTRINE COMMAND (TRADOC):
- The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing
procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the
hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least
three miles of visibility and a safety observer.
- SPECIAL OPERATIONS COMMAND (SOCOM):
- The chicken crossed at a ninety (90) degree angle to avoid
prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum
surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at
night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley, after
preliminary surveillance monitoring, to establish probable
feasibility, based on indigenous usage.
- ARMY PERSONNEL COMMAND (PERSCOM):
- Due to the needs of the Army, the chicken was involuntarily
reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a
three-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a
assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one
road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its
opportunities for future promotions.
- DEFENSE INTELLIGENCE AGENCY (DIA):
- Despite what you saw on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny
any fowl performing acts of transit. Questions? Please see the
- This event will need confirmation. We need to repeat it using
varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to
confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters
specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might
cross thruways designated by some as roads.'
- AVIATION BOARD:
- The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if
road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's
road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday
or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency
any time they observe another chicken cross the road.
- TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:
- The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This
road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken
Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens
required to read back all hold short instructions.
- UNITED STATES TRANSPORTATION COMMAND (USTRANSCOM):
- We need the road-crossing elapsed or interval time, and the
time the chicken becomes available for another crossing to assess
scheduling and coordination objectives.
- FORCES COMMAND (FORSCOM):
- The purpose is not important. What is important is that the
chicken remained under the OPCON of USCINCTRANS and did not CHOP
to the theater on the other side of the road. Without CHOPPING
the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with
near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.
- ARMY MATERIEL COMMAND (AMC):
- Recent changes in technology, coupled with today's multipolar
strategic environment, have created new challenges in the
chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was also faced
with significant challenges to create and develop core
competencies required for this new environment. AMC's Chicken
Systems Program Office (CSPO), in a partnering relationship with
the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical
distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the
Poultry Integration Model(PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its
skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align
the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its
overall strategy within a Program Management framework. The CSPO
convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analyst and retired
chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the
transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of
meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and
capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize
with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of
delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an
enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
trans-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like
setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was
strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a
consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned
with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was
conducive towards the creation of a total business integration
solution. The Chicken Systems Program Office helped the chicken
change to continue meeting its mission. The complete text of this
report was audited by Colonel Sanders (KFC).
- COMMAND POST (CP):
- What chicken?
- A staff study on the motivation and
implementation of chickens crossing roads.
- Douglas Adams:
- Because the grass is always greener on the other side.
- To fulfill its road-crossing destiny, while manifesting the
- Hal Borland:
- The chicken crossed the road to prove to the possum that it
could be done.
- Pat Buchanan:
- To steal a job from a decent, hard-working, family-oriented,
- Siddhattha Gautama Buddha:
- If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
- William Jefferson "Slick Willy" Clinton:
- I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean
by Chicken? Could you define what you mean by chicken for me
- Howard Cosell:
- It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events
to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian
biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement,
formerly relegated to homo sapient pedestrians, is truly a
- Salvador Dali:
- The Fish.
- Charles Robert Darwin:
- It was the logical next step, after coming down from the
trees, to evolve road crossing selectivity.
- Jacques Derrida:
- Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within
the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation
is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned,
because structuralism is dead, dammit, dead!
- Emily Elizabeth Dickinson:
- Because it could not stop for death.
- Albert Einstein:
- Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson:
- It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
- For fun.
- Louis Farrakhan:
- The 'road', you see, represents the Black Man's destiny,
while the 'chicken' symbolizes degenerated White oppression, and
the 'crossing' interrupts the True People's Quest, in order to
trample them and keep them down.
- Sigmund Freud:
- The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
- Betty Friedan (Naomi Goldstein):
- To escape the rooster's lust, the farmer's lechery, the
barnyard dog's lewdness, and the lascivious cooptation of the
other abused chickens.
- Bill Gates:
- I have just released the new "MS-ChicKan 2000", with amazing
iconographics and even more user-friendly features, such as egg
laying module, easy egg copier, egg fund calculator, feed
tracking manager, and much more! "MS-Chicken Explorer" is an
inextricable chicken coop combo, including road-crossing plotter,
global positioning locator, and inter-chicken hyperlink.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe:
- The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
- In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was
good enough for us.
- Germaine Greer:
- In a courageous act of liberation, expressive of her
inner-rooster and manifesting the potential of her chick-ness,
without compromising the biological mandate of her henhood, she
proudly defies cultural norms by crossing over.
- Ernest Miller Hemingway:
- To die. Alone in the rain. With a vision of the eternal sun
across the endless road.
- Werner Karl Heisenberg:
- We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on,
but it was moving very fast.
- Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
- David Hume:
- Out of custom and habit.
- Saddam Hussein:
- This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite
justified in dropping fifty tons of nerve gas on it.
- Carl Gustav Jung:
- The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated
that individual chickens cross roads at this universal juncture,
and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into
- Kindergarten Teacher:
- To get to the other side.
- Martin Luther King Jr:
- I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
roads without having their motives called into question.
- Captain James T. Kirk:
- To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
- Timothy Leary:
- Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would
let it take.
- Niccol di Bernardo Machiavelli:
- So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the
road; but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to
contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is
the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
- Karl Heinrich Marx:
- It was an historical inevitability.
- And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road.", and lo', the chicken did
cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
- Fox Mulder:
- You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
- Carry Nation (Amelia Moore):
- To track down more dissolute and degenerate roosters and
smite them in their dark sanctuaries!
- Jack Nicholson:
- 'Cause it [censored] wanted to! That's [censored] reason
enough. Okay, [censored]?
- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche:
- Because if you gaze across the Road too long, then the Road
also gazes across you.
- Richard Milhous Nixon:
- The chicken did not cross the road, I repeat, the chicken did
NOT cross the road ... and the Silent Majority agrees with me.
- Oliver North:
- National security was at stake.
- The Oracle of Apollo at Delphi:
- I can't tell you ... it's a secret! ... but I can tell you
that it's a really bad omen.
- For the greater good.
- Pyrrho the Skeptic:
- What road?
- Ronald Wilson Reagan:
- I forget.
- To act as a pathfinder and interpreter for the grouse, quail,
turkey, and pigeons to follow.
- Colonel Sanders:
- You mean I missed one?
- Sappho of Lesbos:
- To search for the ideal pullet, innocent and pure.
- Jean-Paul Sartre:
- In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
- Michael Schumacher:
- It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't
see the road until he had already started to cross it.
- Jerry Seinfeld:
- Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever
think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing just walking
around all over the place, anyway?".
- William Tecumseh Sherman:
- The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there
- Doctor Seuss:
- Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not
- B.F. (Burrhus Frederic) Skinner:
- Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium roam birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion
that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these
actions to be of its own free will.
- The Egyptian Sphinx:
- You tell me.
- The Greek Sphinx:
- You BETTER tell me, or else!.
- Oliver Stone:
- The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?",
rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom
we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?".
- John Sununu:
- The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed
himself of the opportunity.
- Henry David Thoreau:
- To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
- Thomas de Torquemada:
- Give me a few minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
- Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens):
- The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
- Ludwig Josef Johann Wittgenstein:
- The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects
"chicken" and "road", and dynamic circumstances came into being
which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
- Zygote Consulting:
- Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was
threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced
with significant challenges to create and develop the
competencies required for the newly competitive market. Zygote
Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped
the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model
(PIM), Zygote helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies,
knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people,
processes and technology in support of its overall strategy
within a Program Management framework. Zygote Consulting convened
a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along
with those Zygote consultants who have deep skills in the
transportation industry, to engage in a two-day itinerary of
meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital,
and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to
achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework
across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. Zygote
Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
For the Commander:
/s/C. Little Pullet, WO4(AG)
Cockal deWalk, LG(grade AA)
Commanding, Cackle Corps