We've had an uneasy relationship since the end of World War Two,
and despite our differences, we've stuck together through thick
and thin, good and bad, going back and forth, again and again,
ever since we conquered the world's greatest threat to freedom,
which has only resulted in constant complaints about America's
shortcomings and imperfections, but your perversion of the legal
system and your corruption of the voting process has exhausted my
patience! I know we tolerated each other for many years for the
sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run
its course. Our two opposing ideological sides of America cannot
and will not ever agree on what are the right and proper
remedies, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile
and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences, and go our own
separate ways. The persistence of this mess has made me realize
that divorce is the only way to restore harmony and contentment
to our divided home.
In an effort to maintain civility, I'll proffer a no-fault
separation agreement as a model that will assume that your
law-abiding citizens are at least as trustworthy as any of our
too many foreign enemies, so trust will always have to be
verified by proof and inspection ... again, sadly, you've made
this a necessity with your ridiculous chicanery.
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass
each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am
sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After
that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective
representatives can effortlessly divide other assets, since both
sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes and Social Security, the
national debt and national health care, so you can keep them. You
are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU, to affirmative
action and the NAACP. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our
firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. You can keep
Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (you are, however,
responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough and
powerful enough to move all three of them). You can keep Jane
Fonda, Shirley McClain, Bruce Springsteen, George Clooney, Alec
Baldwin, Sean Penn, Barbra Streisand, and the Dixie Chicks; we'll
take Ford and Boeing, spalding and Springfield Armory.
We'll keep the inequitable capitalism, greedy corporations,
pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street (what's left
of it after Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, et al). You can have your
beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll
keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEOs, and rednecks.
We'll keep the Constitution and the Bibles, and give you the
Communist Manifesto and the Ivy League, NBC and Hollywood.
You can make nice with Iran and Russia, North Korea and Red
China, Cuba and Venezuela while we retain the right to invade any
place that threatens us. You can have the peaceniks and war
protesters. When our way of life or our allies are under assault,
we'll help provide them security. You can continue to do what
you've always done in the face of danger: appease, compromise,
and object to everything after the fact.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values; you are welcome to the
Atheism and Humanism, Scientology and Hare Krishna, Voodoo and
Islam that you so vehemently promote. You can also have the U.N.,
but we will no longer pay the bill for their impotence.
We'll keep the pickup trucks, SUVs, and oversized luxury cars,
but you can take every Toyota Prius and Subaru station wagon you
can find. You can give everyone health care if you can find any
medicos willing to practice upon the teeming horde for a
pittance; we'll continue to believe that health care is a
privilege, and not a right funded by government largess. We'll
keep the National Anthem and The Battle Hymn of the
Republic, but I'm sure that you'll gladly substitute
Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing,
Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle-down (or supply-side) economics, and you
can give trickle-up poverty (or multi-generational welfare) your
best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our
noteworthy history, our hard-earned name, and our battle-scarred
flag. We will remain the United States of America; you can call
yourself whatever you like ... undoubtedly something in concert
with your fellow travelers in the People's or
the Democratic union of whatever.
This proposal is meant to appeal to your patriotic spirit ... we
believe that you should have the right to live the way you want,
but there are consequences that you've been avoiding by blaming
us for the failure of your policies and practices. We're not
willing to let you bankrupt America with your experimental social
engineering; so if you're willing to accept this divorce decree
then I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts which of us will
need help to sustain ourselves in the future, which of us will
disintegrate and erode, which of us will be a first world nation
and which a third world nation in a short time. This prediction,
of course, has more validity than the hysterical global warming
forecasts or the panicked prophesying on species extinction. This
divorce should make us both much more contented ... so, please,
make my day!