After consultation with the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the President of the United States of America (POTUS) has directed the Defense Department to assist Santa Claus, and his North Pole assets, with the twelve days of Christmas; such augmentation shall be undertaken in a manner that will reflect credit upon the American military in its ongoing peacekeeping role around the world.

The status of supplemental acquisitions is as follows:

The partridge in a pear tree that's scheduled to commence on day one, and continue on each successive day, has been commissioned for a $1M study to determine which branch should lead this joint program after more than three months of discussion and repeated OpsDepsTank sessions, since the Army and Air Force are disputing the proper area of responsibility because the partridge is a bird, an ostensible aviation element, and the pear tree is a land component.

The two turtle doves that're scheduled to commence on day two, and continue on each successive day, are claimed to be birds by the Air Force, which seeks primary responsibility for this aviation element; but the Marines claim that the turtle signifier qualifies this component as amphibian, and as such, transfers it to their jurisdiction. Initial studies have shown that turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of reference are being coordinated for a $10M DARPA study spanning four years.

The three French hens that're scheduled to commence on day three, and continue on each successive day, are being blocked from offshore purchase by the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs as a boycott instigated by the State Department in retaliation for France's anti-American foreign policy. A $6M program in the Department of Agriculture is being developed to find an acceptable domestic alternative, tentatively named Freedom hens.

The four calling birds that're scheduled to commence on day four, and continue on each successive day, have already been source selected and the supply contract awarded to AT&T; however, this GAO contract is being challenged by a small disadvantaged business, and a class-action civil rights law suit is alleging discrimination for coupling two euphemisms for talk and women.

The five golden rings that're scheduled to commence on day five, and continue on each successive day, have been commissioned for a $5M accelerated development program lasting not more than three years because no available rings meet MilSpec for gold plating. Although already initiated, the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs is monitoring the offshore acquisition of component resources.

The six geese a-laying that're scheduled to commence on day six, and continue on each successive day, have already been source selected, but the egg shell fragility is becoming problematic in the long-term, undoubtedly due to the production facility's location on a former Air Force base that was closed under BRAC without relocating the hazardous waste materials stored in their dump.

The seven swans a-swimming that're scheduled to commence on day seven, and continue on each successive day, are being scrutinized so as to ascertain the cause of the high attrition rate during the Navy's combat swimmer and the Coast Guard's rescue swimmer programs, wherein failure is double the norm; these programs have been put on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the washout rate is so high.

The eight maids a-milking that're scheduled to commence on day eight, and continue on each successive day, class has been undertaken as a training regimen at Aberdeen Proving Ground; however the procedures have been interrupted and the personnel sequestered by a sexual harassment law suit alleging impropriety and misconduct.

The nine ladies dancing that're scheduled to commence on day nine, and continue on each successive day, recruitment has been halted by a civil rights law suit advanced by the Don't Ask - Don't Tell Association, which asserts their freedom of cross-dressing and gender neutrality, especially during off-duty hours.

The ten lords a-leaping that're scheduled to commence on day ten, and continue on each successive day, has been curtailed by terrorists who kidnapped these tokens to exert political influence and extract hostage concessions; Congress has approved $2M in funding to resolve this abduction while a Marine MEU(SOC) and the Army's Delta Force conduct a NEO-off competition for the right of rescue.

The eleven pipers piping that're scheduled to commence on day eleven, and continue on each successive day, have already been source selected and the supplier delivered on time; however, due to an inadequate description specified by the Defense Department, the supplier misinterpreted the item as smoking pipes, and after successfully defending their case in court, the contractor is scot-free. A $22M retrofit program has been instituted to remedy the defective specifications and bring the pipes into MilSpec.

The twelve drummers drumming that're scheduled to commence on day twelve have been reduced by cutbacks to only half of the allotted billets, therefore the Defense Department is in the process of coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until the next fiscal year.

As a result of these and other programmatic delays, together with a high OPTEMPO that requires the diversion of modernization funds to support current readiness commitments, the Joint Chiefs of Staff (JCS) have decided to postpone Christmas until further notice.

The reputation of the United States for service and sacrifice is dependent upon compliance with this directive. These terms and conditions are effective upon receipt of this notice.