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Armed Forces Oaths of Enlistment

U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force, because I'm too smart for the Army, and because the Marines frighten me. After completion of my (snicker) Introductory Orientation to the Military Lifestyle, I will have become a coffee-drinking, doughnut-eating, easy-chair sitting, blue-clad civilian. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above all that nonsense. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name, because I know I'm not really in the military, and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me, and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. I will believe I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to use a clean knife to stab the next person in the back. I swear to sit behind a desk, and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me, who take their jobs seriously. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding tours as a valid form of exercise. I consent to never (not ever) getting promoted, and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me Angels.

Signature _________________________________________________ Date

U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment

I, Dogface, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army, because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me, because I can't swim. After completion of my summer ... er, I mean ... Boot Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month, will return knowing less than I did when I left, until becoming a fully qualified Chairborne Stranger. I promise to continue telling myself that I am a lean, mean, killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am; despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 during my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. I will wear camouflage everyday, and tuck my trousers into my boots, because I can't figure out how to use blousing garters. I promise to wear my uniform 24-hours a day, even when I have a date. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I'm fiercely cool, and propose to my 9th-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her go out, she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy, or a handsomer Marine. Should she leave me twelve times for Jody, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will substitute military-bearing for knowledge, while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work everyday at 1000 hours, because of morning PT, and leave everyday at 1300 hours to report back to the company. I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction trades after enlistment with my unskilled friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass the placement exam. So help me Ares.

Signature _________________________________________________ Date

U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment

I, Swabby, in lieu of going to prison, agree to sign away four years of my pathetic life to the United States Navy, because I want to be able to hang-out with Marines, without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too corporate, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim ... why not?". I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1956, and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during summertime, and for Waffen SS during wintertime. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using terms like "cover", "bulkhead", "leeward", "scuttlebutt", "halyard", "knots", "bells", "deck", and "head". I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other uniformed services, and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at the Boatswain's-pipe (whatever that is) to my station, unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand-up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted, and subsequently busted, at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick (and quite possibly illegal) whims of my new-found colleagues. So help me Neptune.

Signature _________________________________________________ Date

U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment

I, Jarhead, swear ... uuhhhh ... high-and-tight ... (grunt) cammies ... uhh ... spit-shine ... (grrr) gung-ho ... ugh ... (arrgh) sweet Susie Rottencrotch ... uummmh ... Semper Fi Mac ... OORAH! So help me Corps.

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