Armed Forces Oaths of Enlistment
U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to
the United States Air Force, because I'm too smart for the Army,
and because the Marines frighten me. After completion of my
(snicker) Introductory Orientation to the Military
Lifestyle, I will have become a coffee-drinking,
doughnut-eating, easy-chair sitting, blue-clad civilian. I swear
to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even
though I believe myself to be above all that nonsense. I promise
to walk around calling everyone by their first name, because I
know I'm not really in the military, and I find it amusing to
annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life
than all those around me, and will, at all times, be sure to make
them aware of that fact. I will believe I am superior to all
others, and will make an effort to use a clean knife to stab the
next person in the back. I swear to sit behind a desk, and take
credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me, who
take their jobs seriously. I will do no work unless someone is
watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around
me, and will go home early everyday. I also swear not to do any
form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding
tours as a valid form of exercise. I consent to never (not ever)
getting promoted, and understand that all those whom I made fun
of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me
Angels.
Signature _________________________________________________ Date
U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment
I, Dogface, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to
the United States Army, because I couldn't score high enough on
the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough
for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me, because I can't
swim. After completion of my summer ... er, I mean ... Boot Camp,
I will attend a different Army school once every other month,
will return knowing less than I did when I left, until becoming a
fully qualified Chairborne Stranger. I promise to
continue telling myself that I am a lean, mean, killing
machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am; despite the
fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for
sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8
during my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is
because I scored perfect on my PT test. I will wear camouflage
everyday, and tuck my trousers into my boots, because I can't
figure out how to use blousing garters. I promise to wear my
uniform 24-hours a day, even when I have a date. On my first trip
home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I'm fiercely cool,
and propose to my 9th-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay
home, because if I let her go out, she might leave me for a
smarter Air Force guy, or a handsomer Marine. Should she leave me
twelve times for Jody, I will continue to take her back. While at
work, I will substitute military-bearing for knowledge, while
getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work
everyday at 1000 hours, because of morning PT, and leave everyday
at 1300 hours to report back to the company. I
understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will
help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in
construction trades after enlistment with my unskilled friends
from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving
me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I
can't pass the placement exam. So help me Ares.
Signature _________________________________________________ Date
U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment
I, Swabby, in lieu of going to prison, agree to sign away four
years of my pathetic life to the United States Navy, because I
want to be able to hang-out with Marines, without actually having
to BE one of them, because I thought the Air
Force was too corporate, and because I thought,
"Hey, I like to swim ... why not?". I promise to wear
clothing that went out of style in 1956, and to have my name
stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand
that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during
summertime, and for Waffen SS during wintertime. I will
strive to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world, using terms like "cover", "bulkhead",
"leeward", "scuttlebutt", "halyard", "knots", "bells",
"deck", and "head". I will take great pride in the
fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and everything
else for that matter, are completely different from the other
uniformed services, and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I
will muster (whatever that is) at the
Boatswain's-pipe (whatever that is) to my station,
unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief. I vow to hone my coffee
cup handling skills to the point that I can stand-up in a kayak
being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I
consent to being promoted, and subsequently busted, at least
twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I
am required to submit myself to the sick (and quite possibly
illegal) whims of my new-found colleagues. So help me
Neptune.
Signature _________________________________________________ Date
U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment
I, Jarhead, swear ... uuhhhh ... high-and-tight ... (grunt)
cammies ... uhh ... spit-shine ... (grrr) gung-ho ... ugh ...
(arrgh) sweet Susie Rottencrotch ... uummmh ... Semper Fi Mac ...
OORAH! So help me Corps.
Thumb Print (or DNA specimen) ______________________ Date? (Y/N)
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