combat writing badge

Why a Gun is Better than a Woman

  • A gun doesn't care what you call it ... handgun or long gun, rifle or shotgun, firearm or equalizer, cannon or howitzer, peashooter or big boom.

  • A gun is quintessentially itself ... it will never have an identity crisis, and will never seek counseling.

  • A gun is what it is ... so it will never change its caliber or barrel, sights or grips just because it wants to indulge itself.

  • Sensitivity to a gun is simple and non-contradictory. Your gun wants you to master it all the time, and it will never resent your mastery.

  • Sensitivity training for a gun involves the proper calibration of zero, the practice of proper shooting techniques, the prevention of malfunctions, the practice of safe shooting rules, the care and maintenance of the weapon.

  • Your gun won't be jealous or embarrassed when you go shopping for a new gun.

  • Your gun won't ever complain about what it used to be like before you had it!

  • Your gun won't make you visit its old and ugly relatives.

  • Your gun won't mind if you have a backup.

  • You can legally have a gun at home and another one for the road.

  • A gun in the kitchen won't keep you from enjoying junk food and beer.

  • A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

  • A gun never expects you to buy it a new holster ... and it never complains about the color, material, detailing, or style of its container or covering.

  • A gun never goes on a shopping spree just for the fun of it ... indulging itself in unnecessary accessories and color coordinated ammo.

  • A gun won't ever ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?".

  • A gun never complains that you don't take it out enough.

  • Guns function the same way every single day of the month.

  • A gun never monopolizes the bathroom.

  • You can leave your gun at home alone, and it won't get bored or lonely.

  • A gun never gets distracted, whimsical, or disobedient.

  • Your gun won't expect you to remember its birthday or anniversary.

  • You can have more than one gun residing in the same house without having problems.

  • Drooling over a beautiful gun is not illegal.

  • The courts have never tried to prevent you from buying magazines with close-up pictures of fully exposed guns in them.

  • You can look at a magazine full of exciting pictures of exotic guns with your gun right beside you, and your gun won't get upset.

  • Staring longingly at an attractive gun will not make other guns jealous.

  • Admiring someone else's gun is not impolite.

  • If you admire a friend's gun, he'll be glad to let you try it.

  • Complimenting or criticizing a gun will not change its performance!

  • You are expected to field strip a gun on the first date.

  • An urge to disassemble your gun is not a perversion.

  • Your gun will never demand payment or favors for showing you its inner parts and openings.

  • Your gun won't ever remind you about the first time you pulled its trigger.

  • A gun never objects when you touch all its inner parts.

  • You never have to wonder if your gun is satisfied after you've pulled its trigger.

  • Your gun appreciates a hot load!

  • Using a sabot to enhance the performance of low-velocity small caliber ammo will not disappoint your gun.

  • Getting inventive, experimental, or perverse with your gun almost guarantees it won't work right.

  • Using a lubricant on a gun is not kinky.

  • A gun does not object to the use of solvents and cleansers, brushes and mops.

  • A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you're finished using it.

  • A gun never gets shy or embarrassed when you bore-sight it.

  • It isn't immoral if you swap guns.

  • When you miss the target, it will never be your gun's fault ... and your gun will never make you feel guilty for missing the bull's-eye.

  • A gun will never leave you for another shooter.

  • Your gun will stay with you, even if you're out of ammo.

  • You can put a muzzle brake on a gun ... you can even put a silencer on a gun!

  • You can full choke your gun and not get arrested.

  • Locking-up your gun is not considered abusive or improper.

  • You can make your gun totally harmless by unloading it.