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News Release:
New and Improved High-Technology Implants

The Research and Development branch of the Department of Defense, together with the Department of Energy and the National Science Foundation, has created a new and improved high-technology implant.

a lineup of U.S. rifle calibers

This high-tech implant has been developed to comply with the United States' policy supporting international freedom and global self-actualization. It represents, in tangible form, the American commitment to self fulfillment and individual responsibility, a liberal philosophy manifest in our democratic lifestyle.

This implant, available through the worldwide Armed Services distribution network, a rapid response delivery methodology staffed by extremely motivated and deeply committed personnel, is available in several configurations, each of which has been specially designed to suit a particular situation or circumstance. Although available in various sizes, the implant recipient (implantee) may not be able to select the exact size or shape, or the desired constituents of his personal implant.

a display of artillery projectiles

The primary purpose of these sophisticated high-tech implants is to enable each implant recipient (implantee) to fulfill his religious desire to instantly speak directly with God, Allah, or the Supreme Being. The individuals who administer these implants commonly refer to them as patriot microchips, and to the implant recipient (implantee) as an aspiring martyr, a terrorist, or enemy target.

Each implant, expertly crafted and double-checked for quality control, can be introduced anytime or anywhere, as needed. Each high-tech implant is precision made from base and precious materials in a patented formula. It may contain information or substances which are intended to assist the implantee achieve that elusive goal: dispatch to Paradise. The refined implant is, in fact, worth more than the implantee.

an array of rifle ammunition

Although designed to be situated in the implantee's forehead, a scholarly review of experimental test results has clearly shown that inadvertent embedding elsewhere has often proven equally efficacious. Indwelling implants located anywhere in the implantee have often persuaded that implantee to pursue a more cloistered and less robust lifework.

Insertion of the high-tech implant may be unpleasant or even painful for the implantee, causing bruising or swelling or bleeding, loss of appetite or ringing in the ears, shortness of breath or irregularities of pulse, disequilibrium or disorientation. Any implant recipient (implantee) who is dissatisfied with the effectiveness of the implantation should report to the nearest operations base or compound for further treatment. Complaints about delivery systems or material defects should be addressed to the senior official at the nearest Armed Services base.

This high-tech implant is a product of a free and open society, and is provided as a public service by the United States military.