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from a sense of time and worth to success and national pride


    The Swiss manufacture it.
    The French hoard it.
    The Slavs mark it.
    The Russians imprison it.
    The Germans invest it.
    The Americans convert it.
    The Greeks steal it.
    The Dutch examine it.
    The Gypsies by-pass it.
    The Scots condense it.
    The Spanish extend it.
    The Irish watch it.
    The Italians waste it.
    The British ignore it.
    The Scandinavians kill it.
    The Pols haven't found it yet.

If a thing is worth doing, then the ...

    Germans believe that it's worth doing well.
    Dutch believe that it's worth studying.
    Scandinavians believe it's worth appointing a resolution committee.
    Greeks believe that it's worth selling to someone else.
    Spanish believe that it's worth trying to make it more than it is.
    Russians believe that it's worth getting drunkenly poetic over.
    Italians believe that it's worth arguing about.
    Scots believe that it's worth fighting about.
    British believe that it's worth compelling someone else to do it.
    Japanese believe that it's worth dying for.
    Islamics believe that it's worth killing for.
    French believe that someone else should've already done it.
    Irish believe that it's worth pretending it's already done.
    Canadians believe that it's worth envying everyone who's done it.
    Mexicans believe that it's worth postponing.
    Americans believe that it's worth hiring someone else to do it.

American Formula for Success

    Think like the Yiddish.
    Work like the Germans.
    Fight like the Scots.
    Dress like the British.
    Marry like the Polish.
    Play like the French.
    Eat like the Italians.
    Drink like the Irish.
    Pray like the Spanish.
    Die like the Russians.

National Pride

    Top ten reasons for being French:
    1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
    2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
    3. You get to eat weird food like snails and frogs' legs
    4. If there's a war, you can surrender really early
    5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films
    6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
    7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
    8. Be humiliated by allowing Germans to occupy all your famous landmarks
    9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the streets
    10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not

    Top ten reasons for being Italian:
    1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
    2. Unembarrassed to wear fur
    3. No need to worry about tax returns
    4. Glorious military history ... prior to A.D. 400
    5. Can wear sunglasses indoors
    6. Flexible working hours
    7. Live near the Pope
    8. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
    9. Political stability
    10. Country run by Sicilian murderers

    Top ten reasons for being Greek:
    1. Visit the Parthenon, and be enthralled by our ancient history
    2. Ouzo, raki, and nectar
    3. Visit Marathon, and be enthralled by our ancient history
    4. Trojan Horse
    5. Visit Mount Olympus, and be enthralled by our ancient history
    6. Greek Fire
    7. Visit the Minotaur's Labyrinth, and be enthralled by our ancient history
    8. Moussaka, spanokopitta, fava, dolma, baklava, and ambrosia
    9. Visit Lesbos/Mytilene, and be enthralled by our ancient history
    10. Exported civilized culture to Thule, and tourism is our reward

    Top ten reasons for being Spanish:
    1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
    2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
    3. Your beaches are invaded annually by Swedes, Danes, Germans, Brits, etc
    4. The rest of your country is already under siege by Moroccans
    5. Everybody else imitates your paella and claims it's the real thing
    6. Honesty
    7. You wear tight clothes when taunting mean bulls just to impress women
    8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
    9. Gibraltar
    10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War

    Top ten reasons for being Mexican:
    1. Magnificent history of tribal warfare and human sacrifices
    2. Pinatas and fiestas
    3. Tequila
    4. Sombreros, huaraches, serapes, and other MesoAmerican fashions
    5. Margaritas
    6. Tacos, frijoles, enchiladas, burritos, and other MesoAmerican cuisine
    7. Sangrias
    8. Montezuma's Revenge
    9. Dos Equis XX beer
    10. Wetbacks will soon return Texas and California to their motherland

    Top ten reasons for being Indian:
    1. Chicken Madras
    2. Lamb Passanda
    3. Onion Bhaji
    4. Bombay Potato
    5. Chicken Tikka Masala
    6. Rogan Josh
    7. Popadoms
    8. Chicken Dopiaza
    9. Meat Boona
    10. Kingfisher lager

    Top ten reasons for being Chinese:
    1. Great Wall of China
    2. Moo Goo Gui Pan
    3. Invented navigation
    4. Lo Mein
    5. Developed silk industry
    6. Mu Shu Pork
    7. Invented explosives
    8. Egg Foo Yung
    9. Promulgated worldwide Chinese laundry
    10. Confucian Fortune Cookies

    Top ten reasons for being Japanese:
    1. Take photo of typical family at Mount Fujiyama
    2. Take photo of typical family framed by torii gate at Shinto shrine
    3. Take photo of traditional gathering in hot-tub
    4. Take photo of formal kimonos during tea ceremony
    5. Take photo of I-go strategic board game competition
    6. Take photo of jujitsu simulated combat competition
    7. Take photo of geisha serving sushi and sashimi
    8. Take photo of geisha posed before futon
    9. Take photo of geisha serving warm sake
    10. Take photo of Japanese executives buying America

    Top ten reasons for being German:

    Top ten reasons for being Welsh:
    1. You've got to be having a good laugh!

    Top ten reasons for being Swedish:
    1. Now you've really got to be having a great laugh!

    Top ten reasons for being Polish:
    1. Go on now and stop teasing ... you're just too funny!

    Top ten reasons for being Russian:
    1. Vodka
    2. Caviar
    3. Borscht
    4. Sputnik
    5. Competitive female weight-lifters
    6. World famous Gulag diet and exercise program
    7. Primary exporter of Kalashnikov firearms
    8. We proved communism doesn't work, so now on to failing capitalism
    9. Used winter as military tactic in every successful war
    10. We've still got an eye on Alaska

    Top ten reasons for being Irish:
    1. Guinness
    2. Leprechauns
    3. Use Vatican Council Papal edicts to avoid contraceptives
    4. potatoes
    5. Irish coffee
    6. Pubs never close
    7. No one can recall last night, but everyone remembers ancient history
    8. You can get into a fight just by walking down any street
    9. Kill people you don't agree with
    10. Enjoy stout and mulligan with buckoes after a sectarian donnybrook

    Top ten reasons for being Australian:
    1. Know your ancestors were murdering bastards that civilization expelled
    2. Fosters' Lager
    3. Dispossess Aborigines because you wanted their land
    4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry on live TV
    5. Tact and sensitivity
    6. Bondi Beach
    7. Tasmanian Devils
    8. Liberated attitude toward homosexuals
    9. Kangaroo boxing matches
    10. Taking the America's Cup home

    Top ten reasons for being English:
    1. Two World Wars and One World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah
    2. Proper beer
    3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
    4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
    5. Union Jack underpants
    6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
    7. Bathing once a week, whether you need to or not
    8. Ditto on changing underwear
    9. You can re-live the past, and pretend you're still a world power
    10. Beats being Welsh
              10a. Or Scottish
              10b. Or Irish
              10c. Or American

    Top ten reasons for being Canadian:
    1. It beats being an American
    2. Only nation to successfully invade the USA and burn its capitol
    3. You can play hockey 12 months a year ... outdoors
    4. Only nation to successfully invade the USA and burn its capitol
    5. You can travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe
    6. Political leaders can admit to smoking pot and their popularity increases
    7. Only nation to successfully invade the USA and burn its capitol
    8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
    9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme
    10. Only nation to successfully invade the USA and burn its capitol

    Top ten reasons for being American:
    1. You can have a woman president without ever electing her
    2. If you've got enough money, you can get elected to do anything
    3. You can use British spellings, and get away with it
    4. You can call Budweiser beer, and get away with it
    5. You can be a crook, and get away with it
    6. If you can breathe then you can get a gun
    7. Consumerism means you get to be really obese
    8. Nobody cares if you play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made
    9. You get to call total strangers "buddy" or "honey"
    10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth
              10a. When you're really not
              10b. At all
              10c. Or ever will be