Distinguishing between Marines and Rangers
Marine applicants are ineligible if they can read; and Ranger
trainees are rejected if they can write.
Unlike the Boy Scouts, neither Marines nor Rangers have adult
You always hear about really smart Marines and
Rangers, but you find them as often as UFOs, mythic monsters, and
Marines think problem solving involves a fudge-factor of
the answer; and Rangers think the problem is solved when the
school is destroyed.
A Marine's best friend is his rifle; and a Ranger never met a
munition he didn't like alot.
Marines volunteered so they could wear the distinctive uniform;
and Rangers volunteered so they could wear the distinctive
Marines think SEALs are overrated and overpaid; and Rangers think
SFers are overrated and overpaid.
When commanded to "kick-ass and take names", Marines will
scuttlebutt; and Rangers will search for anonymous opponents.
Marines wear a globe insignia so they always know where they are;
and Rangers wear a tab insignia so they always know who they are.
Marines like to shoot and loot; and Rangers like to sneak and
When the map says "enemy left", Marines think the war is over;
and Rangers hold a stone to remind them which way to turn.
Marines don't like powdered drinks because they can't follow the
complicated directions; and Rangers can't mix them in those tiny
Marines will stare at a container of frozen juice until it melts;
but Rangers will get bored with the concentrate, and pour a cup
Marines will climb onto the roof when they hear that the
drinks are on the house; and Rangers will begin licking
Marines have trouble making ice-cubes because they can't remember
the recipe; and Rangers have trouble dislodging ice-cubes because
there are no directions.
Marines won't pour piss out of a boot because being wet
and miserable is natural; and Rangers can't find the instructions
for pouring piss out of a boot printed on the sole.
Marines are subject to discharge if their parents are married;
and Rangers may be cashiered if they do not eat their children.
Marines would lose their ass if it wasn't firmly attached; and
Rangers can't find their ass with both hands.
In a Defense Department operated by Murphy's Laws, the unofficial
Marine motto is Fouled Up Beyond All
Recognition/FUBAR; and the unofficial
Ranger motto is Bend Over, Here It Comes
In a nation where only politicians are
bulletproof, Marines think they're mistake
immune; and Rangers think they're defect deflectors.
You should run away if a Marine throws a pin at you, since he has
a grenade in his mouth; and you should quickly find a new table
if a Ranger pops a spoon for his dinner.
In a military system that rewards trained monkeys capering to
organ-grinder tunes, Marines would rather be squirrels than rats;
and Rangers would rather be pigeons than doves.
You can put a gleam in a Marine's eye by shining a flashlight in
his ear; and you can put a gleam in a Ranger's eye by shining a
flashlight up his ass.
Marines are tough enough to use 100-grit toilet paper; and
Rangers poop in baggies, to leave no scat to clue the enemy.
Marines operate amphibiously so they can assault nude beaches and
capture topless bathers; and Rangers operate in the dark so they
can attack night-spots and stalk streetwalkers.
Marine knuckle-draggers and ass-dragging Rangers believe they're
plowing a fertile furrow so they can lay some heavy pipe.
Marines believe that "WHAM-BAM" is the sound-track from one of
their movies; and Rangers think it's the essential expression of
Marines consider architectural demolitions to be reverse
engineering; and Rangers imagine they're creating artistic
Marines will howl at the moon; but Rangers will bark at the moon.
Marines smile at lightning because they think their picture is
being taken; and Rangers smile because they think they're
Marines believe that strong-winds blow-away the cobwebs from
their brain; and Rangers believe that they blow new ideas into
On Fridays, Marines get out their TGIF
boots, because "toes go in first"; and Rangers get out their
POETS berets, because "piss on
everything, tomorrow's Saturday".
Mondays are the best day to die because Marines are just crawling
out of a weekend grave; and Mondays are the worst day to kill
because Rangers are suffering lethal misery.
Marines don't take breaks because it takes too long to retrain
them; and Rangers don't take breaks because they try to avoid
injuries that limit combat strength.
Marines use hand-signals because they're all deafened by gunfire;
and Rangers use commo because all of their gestures are rude or
Marines count integers individually so they don't have to remove
their boots; and Rangers count integers singly because combining
them increases their function.
Marines try to postmark their E-Mail; and Rangers put stamps on
The Secretary of the Army believes that Marines are extremists;
and the Secretary of the Navy believes that Rangers are