Distinguishing between Marines and Rangers

          Marine applicants are ineligible if they can read; and Ranger trainees are rejected if they can write.

          Unlike the Boy Scouts, neither Marines nor Rangers have adult supervision.

          You always hear about really smart Marines and Rangers, but you find them as often as UFOs, mythic monsters, and miracle cures.

          Marines think problem solving involves a fudge-factor of the answer; and Rangers think the problem is solved when the school is destroyed.

          A Marine's best friend is his rifle; and a Ranger never met a munition he didn't like alot.

          Marines volunteered so they could wear the distinctive uniform; and Rangers volunteered so they could wear the distinctive uniform.

          Marines think SEALs are overrated and overpaid; and Rangers think SFers are overrated and overpaid.

          When commanded to "kick-ass and take names", Marines will scuttlebutt; and Rangers will search for anonymous opponents.

          Marines wear a globe insignia so they always know where they are; and Rangers wear a tab insignia so they always know who they are.

          Marines like to shoot and loot; and Rangers like to sneak and creep.

          When the map says "enemy left", Marines think the war is over; and Rangers hold a stone to remind them which way to turn.

          Marines don't like powdered drinks because they can't follow the complicated directions; and Rangers can't mix them in those tiny packets.

          Marines will stare at a container of frozen juice until it melts; but Rangers will get bored with the concentrate, and pour a cup of coffee.

          Marines will climb onto the roof when they hear that the drinks are on the house; and Rangers will begin licking the walls.

          Marines have trouble making ice-cubes because they can't remember the recipe; and Rangers have trouble dislodging ice-cubes because there are no directions.

          Marines won't pour piss out of a boot because being wet and miserable is natural; and Rangers can't find the instructions for pouring piss out of a boot printed on the sole.

          Marines are subject to discharge if their parents are married; and Rangers may be cashiered if they do not eat their children.

          Marines would lose their ass if it wasn't firmly attached; and Rangers can't find their ass with both hands.

          In a Defense Department operated by Murphy's Laws, the unofficial Marine motto is Fouled Up Beyond All Recognition/FUBAR; and the unofficial Ranger motto is Bend Over, Here It Comes Again/BOHICA!

          In a nation where only politicians are bulletproof, Marines think they're mistake immune; and Rangers think they're defect deflectors.

          You should run away if a Marine throws a pin at you, since he has a grenade in his mouth; and you should quickly find a new table if a Ranger pops a spoon for his dinner.

          In a military system that rewards trained monkeys capering to organ-grinder tunes, Marines would rather be squirrels than rats; and Rangers would rather be pigeons than doves.

          You can put a gleam in a Marine's eye by shining a flashlight in his ear; and you can put a gleam in a Ranger's eye by shining a flashlight up his ass.

          Marines are tough enough to use 100-grit toilet paper; and Rangers poop in baggies, to leave no scat to clue the enemy.

          Marines operate amphibiously so they can assault nude beaches and capture topless bathers; and Rangers operate in the dark so they can attack night-spots and stalk streetwalkers.

          Marine knuckle-draggers and ass-dragging Rangers believe they're plowing a fertile furrow so they can lay some heavy pipe.

          Marines believe that "WHAM-BAM" is the sound-track from one of their movies; and Rangers think it's the essential expression of ultimate affection.

          Marines consider architectural demolitions to be reverse engineering; and Rangers imagine they're creating artistic sculptures.

          Marines will howl at the moon; but Rangers will bark at the moon.

          Marines smile at lightning because they think their picture is being taken; and Rangers smile because they think they're invisible.

          Marines believe that strong-winds blow-away the cobwebs from their brain; and Rangers believe that they blow new ideas into their head.

          On Fridays, Marines get out their TGIF boots, because "toes go in first"; and Rangers get out their POETS berets, because "piss on everything, tomorrow's Saturday".

          Mondays are the best day to die because Marines are just crawling out of a weekend grave; and Mondays are the worst day to kill because Rangers are suffering lethal misery.

          Marines don't take breaks because it takes too long to retrain them; and Rangers don't take breaks because they try to avoid injuries that limit combat strength.

          Marines use hand-signals because they're all deafened by gunfire; and Rangers use commo because all of their gestures are rude or crude.

          Marines count integers individually so they don't have to remove their boots; and Rangers count integers singly because combining them increases their function.

          Marines try to postmark their E-Mail; and Rangers put stamps on their Faxes.

          The Secretary of the Army believes that Marines are extremists; and the Secretary of the Navy believes that Rangers are excessive.