New Operational Rules for the Military
New Rules for the U.S. Marine Corps:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one; and be prepared
to kill everybody you meet.
2. Make the decision to be aggressive enough, soon enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan.
5. If not shooting, be ready to shoot ... communicate your
6. Do not go to battle with inadequate firepower or insufficient
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice ... ammo is
cheaper than life.
8. Use cover and concealment.
9. Move at an angle to the opposition, whether in the attack or
defense; and flank whenever possible.
10. Fighting is about winning ... not style, not glory.
New Rules for the U.S. Navy SEALs:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Provide all the fish for a beach party.
3. Adjust fit of 'Speedo'.
4. Tell B-girls about Hell Week.
5. Explain appearance as "relaxed grooming standards".
6. Check appearance in mirror ... frequently.
7. While admiring a woman's cleavage, describe the function of a
8. Offer to teach your date 'buddy breathing'.
9. Reveal your classified tattoo, then swear her to secrecy.
10. When she complains about your technique, explain that being
sneaky and cheating are classic tactics.
New Rules for the U.S. Army Rangers:
1. Whisper the Ranger Creed to yourself as a lullaby.
2. Walk in for fifty miles while starving and wearing a 75 pound
3. Wrap your Ranger tab around yourself as a comfort.
4. Locate remote individuals requiring sanction.
5. Record patrol notes in your personal Ranger diary, the one
with the camouflage cover, written in your private code.
6. Request permission via encrypted radio message from "higher"
to perform sanction.
7. Record thoughts and musings about the operation in your
personal Ranger diary, the one with the camouflage cover.
8. Curse bitterly when the mission is aborted.
9. Walk out for fifty miles while wearing a 75 pound rucksack and
10. Rewrite diary, lampooning your Ranger buddies, criticizing
"higher", and market the novel as a bestselling adventure.
New Rules for the regular U.S. Army:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving unit assignment.
2. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
3. Ensure there's enough coffee and chow.
4. Curse bitterly when being transported to operational area.
5. Curse bitterly when arriving in operational area.
6. Ensure there's extra coffee and chow.
7. Disregard inexperienced Squad Leader ... he can get you
8. Curse bitterly when receiving coffee and chow.
9. Disregard inexperienced Platoon Leader ... he can get you
10. Curse bitterly when pogy bait and snivel gear are
New Rules for the U.S. Air Force:
1. Have a cocktail while dramatically waving hands around like
airplanes in flight.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner just to simulate an
3. See if cable television has any movies about flying.
4. Defend the noble gallantry of the "aerial knight" above the
ground-pounding grunt down in the mud.
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point
6. Wine and dine 'key' Congressmen, and invite defense industry
executives to meet "fly boys".
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" so they never have to be
9. Situate the base as far as possible from the conflict, but
close enough to qualify for tax exemption.
10. Cancel training to make 13:45 tee-time.
New Rules for the U.S. Navy:
1. Go to sea ... stare hypnotically out the porthole at the
2. Drink coffee while standing perfectly balanced on a pitching
3. Eat world-class chow and be dissatisfied.
4. Search vessel for anything that hasn't already been renamed so
only sailors know what it is.
5. Sail around in vast waters looking for other ships.
6. Visit foreign ports and "show the flag".
7. Transport soldiers, and other cargo, across the waters.
8. Deploy SEALs.
9. Deploy Marines.
10. Stand on deck and stare hypnotically at the monotonous