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Kinder and Gentler Operations Planning

A collective staff of jealous, spineless, pencil-pushing, bean-counting, ticket-punching, super-grade quibblers composes the new and improved OPLAN for their jut-jawed, hard-assed, steely-eyed, numb-nuts, take-no-prisoners commander, based upon the following inviolate principles of irreproachable infallibility. For best results, a press-conference for the news media and public affairs publicity briefings will be conducted at least one hour prior to any operational execution.

After a cursory review of archival lessons-learned, summarized as been there and done that, and a pro-forma invitation for intelligence analysis, summarized as no pain, no gain, the mission profile shall be outlined and the objectives enumerated, if not prioritized, for the most unqualified members of the most unprepared units available; under the supposition that they need the experience to develop proficiency. Discretion may be the better part of valor, but it is indiscrete, and unauthorized for indiscreet subordinates.

The primary function of the definition of command authority, the assignment of assets and support, and the designation of liaison and coordination is to establish a chain-of-command and integrate a propitiative false economy. The proof of the socio-economic theorem absolves all military personnel of any potential liability, who are only taking orders from civilian managers. The conjectural hypothesis is: unskilled men + poor equipment + misinformation + no options + inadequate budget = FAILURE! Commanders and staff agree to coordinate with ambivalent Congressmen and hyperbolic socialites so that appropriate postures and profits can be prepared. The chain-of-command functions to distribute responsibility below and protection above any given rank. All unit commanders agree to resign, retire, or fall on their swords whenever the tactical situation proves itself embarrassing to current policy or rhetorical interpretations thereof. If, in the unlikely event, given these dubious strictures, some kind of inadvertent victory is haphazardly achieved, then all unit commanders will immediately attribute its outstanding success to their superior officer!

A Morale Officer will be assigned to each unit to entertain the troops and settle all gambling disputes. The designated Mess Officer will determine the nutritional value of all refuse, and shall referee all food-fights. The Supply Officer shall confiscate and abscond with other unit's property whenever possible, and shall make lucrative arrangements with defense contractors. A Public Information Officer shall be tasked with dispensing favorable, if not fictitious and fantastic, accounts of unit personnel and performance. In order to guaranty regulatory compliance, a Criminal Investigation agent will be assigned to each subordinate unit. A Judge Advocate General representative shall be assigned to ensure due-process, and to protect the enemy's legal rights. The Political Cadre assigned to each unit will ensure that no objectionable or politically-incorrect circumstance arises. The Executive Officer shall administer classified materials, because security exists to conceal the truth from ourselves. An Inspector General auditor shall observe the official proprieties; and a non-denominational Chaplain may hear confessions and punch Tough Shit tickets for any wimps. The maintenance of grooming and comportment standards, as enforced by Non-Commissioned Officers, is essential for good discipline, for role modeling, for esprit-de-corps, and for effective operational performance before the media.

This assemblage of command-and-control leadership is responsible for filing all triplicate requisitions and amended movement orders in advance for prior approval by supervening techno-wonks and second-guessing troglodytes. Due to monitoring and surveillance, all correspondence and message-traffic will be encrypted, enciphered, and encoded. Any frivolous or trivial communications will be documented and reported to proper authority for remedy. Conventional solutions to unusual problems or unique situations shall be routine. The revised resupply and replacement requests mandate personal liability for personnel and logistical inventories by each combatant; and any outstanding charges must be deducted from the Serviceman's Group Life and Liability Insurance (SGLLI) before disbursement to any surviving beneficiaries. Any civil claims against the government for over-rated materiel malfunctions, lowest-bid weapons' systems failure, or inadequate recovery and restoration procedures shall be held in abeyance until after the crisis is concluded. All 'After Action Reports' must be filed on the same day of their incident to keep staff apprised of any tactical disintegration. Unless otherwise directed, the standard cover your ass operating procedure prevails over tactical necessity. Credit will be apportioned and loyalty rewarded by imperious promotions. Any misfits, iconoclasts, cynics, or renegades not expunged by enemy action shall be dismissed for the good of the service. Any surviving veterans will be returned to the ranks.