Kinder and Gentler Operations Planning
A collective staff of jealous, spineless, pencil-pushing,
bean-counting, ticket-punching, super-grade quibblers composes
the new
and improved OPLAN for their jut-jawed, hard-assed, steely-eyed,
numb-nuts, take-no-prisoners commander, based upon the following
inviolate principles of irreproachable infallibility. For best
results, a press-conference for the news media and public affairs
publicity briefings will be conducted at least one hour prior to
any operational execution.
After a cursory review of archival lessons-learned, summarized as
been there and done that, and a pro-forma invitation for
intelligence analysis, summarized as no pain, no gain,
the mission profile shall be outlined and the objectives
enumerated, if not prioritized, for the most unqualified members
of the most unprepared units available; under the supposition
that they need the experience to develop proficiency. Discretion
may be the better part of valor, but it is indiscrete, and
unauthorized for indiscreet subordinates.
The primary function of the definition of command authority, the
assignment of assets and support, and the designation of liaison
and coordination is to establish a chain-of-command and
integrate a propitiative false economy. The proof of the
socio-economic theorem absolves all military personnel of any
potential
liability, who are only taking orders from civilian managers. The
conjectural hypothesis is: unskilled men + poor equipment +
misinformation + no options + inadequate budget = FAILURE!
Commanders and staff agree to coordinate with ambivalent
Congressmen and hyperbolic socialites so that appropriate
postures and profits can be prepared. The chain-of-command
functions to distribute responsibility below and protection above
any given rank. All unit commanders agree to resign, retire, or
fall on their swords whenever the tactical situation
proves itself embarrassing to current policy or rhetorical
interpretations thereof. If, in the unlikely event, given these
dubious strictures, some kind of inadvertent victory is
haphazardly achieved, then all unit commanders will immediately
attribute its outstanding success to their superior officer!
A Morale Officer will be assigned to each unit to entertain the
troops and settle all gambling disputes. The designated Mess
Officer will determine the nutritional value of all refuse, and
shall referee all food-fights. The Supply Officer shall
confiscate and abscond with other unit's property whenever
possible, and shall make lucrative arrangements with defense
contractors. A Public Information Officer shall be tasked with
dispensing favorable, if not fictitious and fantastic, accounts
of unit personnel and performance. In order to guaranty
regulatory compliance, a Criminal Investigation agent will be
assigned to each subordinate unit. A Judge Advocate General
representative shall be assigned to ensure due-process, and to
protect the enemy's legal rights. The Political Cadre assigned to
each unit will ensure that no objectionable or
politically-incorrect circumstance arises. The Executive Officer
shall
administer classified materials, because security exists to
conceal the truth from ourselves. An Inspector General auditor
shall observe the official proprieties; and a non-denominational
Chaplain may hear confessions and punch Tough Shit
tickets for any wimps. The maintenance of grooming and
comportment standards, as enforced by Non-Commissioned Officers,
is essential for good discipline, for role modeling, for
esprit-de-corps, and for effective operational
performance before the media.
This assemblage of command-and-control leadership is
responsible for filing all triplicate requisitions and amended
movement orders in advance for prior approval by supervening
techno-wonks and second-guessing troglodytes. Due to monitoring
and surveillance, all correspondence and message-traffic will be
encrypted, enciphered, and encoded. Any frivolous or trivial
communications will be documented and reported to proper
authority for remedy. Conventional solutions to unusual problems
or unique situations shall be routine. The revised resupply and
replacement requests mandate personal liability for personnel and
logistical inventories by each combatant; and any outstanding
charges must be deducted from the Serviceman's Group Life and
Liability Insurance (SGLLI) before disbursement to any
surviving beneficiaries. Any civil claims against the government
for over-rated materiel malfunctions, lowest-bid weapons' systems
failure, or inadequate recovery and restoration procedures shall
be held in abeyance until after the crisis is concluded. All
'After Action Reports' must be filed on the same day of their
incident to keep staff apprised of any tactical disintegration.
Unless otherwise directed, the standard cover your ass
operating procedure prevails over tactical necessity. Credit will
be apportioned and loyalty rewarded by imperious promotions. Any
misfits, iconoclasts, cynics, or renegades not expunged by enemy
action shall be dismissed for the good of the service.
Any surviving veterans will be returned to the ranks.
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