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The Speech That the President Didn't Deliver
During the 2006 Midterm Elections, but Probably Should Have

My Fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within thirty days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, Japan, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start the reckoning by saying that U.S. foreign aid to all those nations on List Two ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third and fourth world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Like our patience, our charity is limited, and reserved for our friends.

If your pipsqueak nation needs help with a flood, or a famine, or an epidemic, or another anti-American rally ... well, if you can get your phones to work, call France. Or maybe Germany will sell you some aid. And if your impoverished country can't afford it, then maybe you can borrow money from each other ... but with your repayment record, don't hold your breath.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect the money we will save, on no longer having to buy overseas friendships, toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.

On that note, a brief word to terrorist organizations: mess with us, and we will hunt you down, and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. If you make trouble in our backyard, then we'll take out your backyard! If you're thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize, then try France, or maybe China. And if you don't respect our borders, then we won't respect yours.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

Since that great American philanthropist Andrew Carnegie paid for the Peace Palace in The Hague, and the U.S. taxpayer has endured all the expense and inconvenience of the UN, I am canceling their lease effective immediately. The UN can bunk in with those other wimps at The Hague and World Court on land that's sinking into the sea. It's time for somebody else to deal with the traffic jams and stupid shenanigans of the UN diplomats, who abuse our freedoms without having any like them at home. I have instructed the mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped and crushed. I don't care about the fine print in whatever treaty pertains to this. There are enough unpaid parking tickets to finance the repair of every street in town! If you don't pay those tickets tomorrow, then watch your precious Benzes, and Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world ... they sure won't be going to The Hague with you. I love New York!

A special note to our nearest neighbors. Canada is on List Two. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List Two. The entire cabinet of corrupt government leaders really needs an attitude adjustment. As a result of the withdrawal from Iraq, I will have a couple of extra armor and infantry divisions sitting around, needing some practice for the next time we need them to defend us ... so guess where I am going to put them? Yep, border security. And hot pursuit might be authorized to chase your third rate militia all the way back to the capital.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty ... starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Free trade does not mean at no expense. There are consequences to biting the hand that feeds you.

We will begin to drill for oil in Alaska and other areas as soon as possible. This will take care of America's oil consumption needs for decades while we continue to work on alternative energy sources. If you are an environmentalist who's fanatically opposed to this self-sufficiency endeavor, then I refer you to List Two ... pick a country and move there. Maybe they care more than we do, but I doubt it. Let us know if we can help you pack your bags, sell your house, or arrange a visa. I love this wild and wonderful country.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "yer darn tootin'!"

Nearly a century of trying to help folks around the world live a decent life has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate discrimination and dissension in America. It is time to eliminate escargot and croissant, clogs and chadors, t'ai chi ch'uan and World Cup soccer in America.

To the nations on List One, a final thought: THANK you guys. We owe you, and we won't forget.

To the nations on List Two, a final thought: you might want to learn to speak Arabic. We won't forget what you did either. It won't be long now, and you'll deserve every bit of it. There really is Truth and Justice.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.