Snake Modeling for Operational Forces

The Differential Gamut of Theoretical Responses
to the Implemented Snake Model by Operational Forces



Subject:

Snake Modeling for Operational Forces

Issue:

the presenting problem posits an encounter with a snake in the designated Area of Operation (AO) in order to elicit a tactical response




REMF:

encounters snake while searching for souvenirs, and runs screaming away from the snake.



Medical Corps:

patients notice that physicians have acquired vertical pupils and a hissing speech impediment, but are curing more cases. Nurses and medical corpsmen have acquired pet snakes. The Surgeon General has just proposed that medical personnel dispense with their white coats and adopt crooked staffs as symbols of their healing profession.



Civil Affairs:

subsequent to diplomatic introductions by agents and envoys, arrives in snake homeland to compile an Area Study Handbook, to learn and catalogue the linguistic dialects, and to ascertain and document snake cosmology and epistemology. Requisitions space and materials to build human housing with snake accessibility, so as to juxtapose lifestyles. Erects schools and churches, improves hygiene and business, augments culture with cross-culture, and insinuates politics and militarism in everything from nutrition to fashion. Is astonished when snakes take hostages, demand human eviction, and expect resumption of the status quo ante; and most regretful at the total destruction of the snake environment by the hostage rescue forces. Archives all materials to study if and when a similar situation ever occurs again.



Quartermaster:

captures the snake, and permanently applies a National Stock Number (NSN) onto it. Implements a Found On Installation (FOI) procedure, and picks up snake on unit property book. Has Company Commander sign a hand receipt for Snake, Green, One Each, as non-expendable unit property. Allocates snake storage compartment, and has First Sergeant add Snake Care and Security to the Duty Roster.



Transportation Corps:

based upon the ancient hoop-snake paradigm, intensive training is underway to equip all tracked and wheeled vehicles with automatic snake drives. The only problems have been steering and breaking in convoy traffic, and load capacity, due to snake intractability. Snake quality control will be the next phase of these dynamic refittings.



Engineer:

studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure five series FM explicating a conjectural denial methodology implemented by counter-mobility assets to defeat the snake. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter snake operations. The Engineer School tries to conceal the fact that agonistic snake hypotheses have proven to be ineffective.



Signal Corps:

based upon the electric eel model, attempts to identify snake species which can both generate its own energy and reliably transmit encrypted messages. Basis for this project is the conjecture that snakes possess some form of ESP or telepathy, and would save the government uncountable money in redesign, repair, and replacements if the snakes can be induced to cooperate. To date, most technicians have been bitten, most researchers have resigned, and a few have formed unnatural bonds of trans-phylum intimacy.



Armor:

runs over the snake, giggles, and gleefully looks for more snakes.



Corps Artillery:

with all FA batteries firing support, manages to kill the snake; but in the massive TOT, also kills several hundred collateral civilians. The mission is considered a success, and all participants (incl: Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks, et al) are awarded valor decorations.



Infantry FNG:

mistakes snake for pet, and gets bitten.



Infantry veteran:

mistakes snake for pet, gets bitten, calls for artillery barrage and med-evac. While recovering in hospital, receives numerous awards, accepts disability rating and medical discharge, and becomes a professional veteran.



Ranger:

plays with the snake, gets bitten, then eats the snake.



Paratrooper:

instantly kills the snake by vertical assault.



Airborne-Ranger:

assaults the snake's home at the darkest hour, and after hand-to-hand fighting, secures the fortification for use by friendly snakes.



Military Police:

arrests personnel for snake fraternization, illicit trade in venom, and misconduct induced by snake by-products. All parties receive non-judicial punishment when the evidence disappears from the property room. Retired MPs form a national snake-handling church, and sponsor ophiology research.



USN SEAL:

expends all ammunition, several exotic explosives, and calls for Naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL, then retreats to safety. SEAL blames bad intel for mission failure.



Military Intelligence:

locates snake without snake knowing. Studies snake and its movements. Reports back to Detachment Commander on snake's location and movement. Snake discovers its location has been compromised and disappears. MI blames poor OPSEC for snake's disappearance, and conducts SAEDA training for next six months. Proposes counter-surveillance retaliations.



Special Forces:

makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes. Snake turns on SF trainer because of incomplete or ineffective brain-washing, bites the SF Trainer, gets strange disease of the reproductive organs, and ends-up biting more people for revenge. Snake unit citation awarded. SF veterans write compassionate snake books, sing snake ballads, and wear custom-made snake jewelry as a mark of distinction.



Chemical Corps:

starts to gas the little booger, but then realizes that there is an M-18 / A-2 Respirator especially made for snakes, remembers the Chemical Corps UTRWBAG (Up Their Rear With Bugs and Gas) motto, and conducts three experiments upon it which have been strictly and explicitly prohibited by the International Convention on Bio-Hazards. The snake crawls away to reproduce offspring with developmental immunity to all stockpiled toxins. Super snakes are classified as a National Security secret.



Marine Force Recon:

follows the snake, and gets lost ... team is eventually extracted by USAF PJs after joint NRO / NSA satellite fix. Claims enemy was aided by sea serpents due to Navy failure, and by land snakes due to Army failure.



Para-Rescue:

wounds the snake during initial encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life. PJs later establish a snake blood or organ donor registry, and arrange an orphan snake support system.



Combat Controller:

guides the snake elsewhere.



USAF fighter pilot:

misidentifies the snake as a BANDIT assault helicopter, goes to full military power, engages it with all armaments, releases all counter-measure defense devices, goes BINGO immediately after contact, and lands on fumes. The Crew Chief paints a snake on the airplane's fuselage while the pilot does a seven-hour hand-jive replay in the O Club.



USAF STRATCOM:

authorizes a Rand Corp study to determine the threat posed by the snake. Following two year Rand study, goes to Congress with definitive proof that snake is dangerous. Congress authorizes five year development of strategic bomber to attack the snake. Following massive cost overruns, and problems with the offensive electronic countermeasures suite, the first trial flight of the bomber is conducted ten years later. After a successful test flight, Congress authorizes 25 strategic snake bombers at $1-billion per airframe (nb: components for the bomber are produced in 80% of all Congressional districts).



CINCSTRAT:

develops air campaign plan to eradicate snake, other Services are not included since Air Power is decisive force. After briefings to JCS and National Command Authority, the CINCSTRAT campaign plan is approved, and execution order is issued. CINCSTRAT issues execute order, followed by a delay order bowing to inclement weather ... since the strategic snake bomber is not rain proof.



Army Aviation:

has GPS grid to snake POC. Expends all ordnance to kills snake. Posts LOH VR search for more snakes, and calls for rearmament. Aviation squadron arrives with sling-load of booze, crew vomits in snakes house, has sex with the under-age snakes, then escapes snake retaliation with brilliant aerobatic RTB flight ... just in time for a shower and manicure.



Judge Advocate General's Corps:

advises the snake on the Rules of Engagement, the laws of warfare germane to offensive or defensive postures, and the pertinent Conventions and Accords to which all parties are signatory; then proffers legal representation for any negotiations or reparations.



Central Intelligence Agency:

using untraceable funding, acquires a proprietary laboratory to experimentally induce lizards and eels to act as covert snakes, obtains USDA and USAID cover, induces DoD to clandestinely infiltrate them, and writes a classified report to Congressional over-sight committees on the plausible deniability of the operational failure, with a rider for additional funding.



National Security Agency:

there is no such agency, but even if there was, we would not admit to you that there is a snake; because if we did, we'd have to kill you, and that would only benefit the hypothetical snake.



National Reconnaissance Office:

as the eternally vigilant eye in the sky that sees all, we are patiently awaiting star wars to do something about it!

Snake Modeling for Operational Forces

The Differential Gamut of Theoretical Responses
to the Implemented Snake Model by Operational Forces



Subject:

Snake Modeling for Operational Forces

Issue:

the presenting problem posits an encounter with a snake in the designated Area of Operation (AO) in order to elicit a tactical response




Infantry:

snake smells and hears them. Snake leaves the area.



Airborne:

lands on and kills the snake.



Armor:

runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.



Aviation:

has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake, but can't find snake, so returns to base for refueling, crew rest, and manicure.



Ranger:

plays with snake, then eats it.



Field Artillery:

kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics, and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.



Special Forces:

makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake, winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.



Combat Engineer:

studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure five series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.



Navy SEAL:

expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes before Armageddon.



Navy:

fires off fifty cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake, and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.



Marine:

kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.



Marine Force Recon:

follows snake, gets lost.



Combat Controller:

guides snake elsewhere.



Para-Rescue Jumper:

wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life. Hollywood makes a dramatic film exposing the tragedy of this suspenseful episode.



Supply:

(NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)



Transport Aircraft:

receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers it two weeks after the due date.



F-15 Aircraft:

mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. Pilot receives Distinguished Flying Cross, and unit receives Presidential Unit Citation.



F-16 Aircraft:

finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets a direct hit on Embassy 100 kilometers east of the snake due to weather (too hot, also too cold, was clear but too overcast, too dry with rain, unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover, etc.). Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it to kill all snakes in the future, and achieve a revolution in military affairs.



AH-64 Apache Aircraft:

unable to locate snake because snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.



UH-60 Blackhawk Aircraft:

finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the bonfire.



B-52 Aircraft:

pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake. Kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.



Missile Crew:

lays in target coordinates to snake in twenty seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. Snake attacks during stand-down.



Intelligence:

snake? What snake? Only four of thirty-five indicators of snake activity are currently active. Our assessment of the potential for snake activity is LOW.



Judge Advocate General (JAG):

snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.