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You may Be a Viêtnam Vet if ...

your first aerobics class was a mandatory P.T. formation.
you spent breaks in the front-leaning-rest position.
your Daily Dozen had nothing to do with trading jive banter.
you know that cheap indigenous sandals lasted longer and out-performed combat-boots.
your ergonomic jogging trainers were combat-boots.
you think forced-marches were good training for chic marathons.
your designer work-out togs were color-coordinated olive-drab.
your first miracle fabric was coated-duck mended by 100mph tape.
your networking had more to do with cargo than with commo.
your first portable boom-box radio was the AN/PRC-25.
you know that concertina wire wasn't a metal music-box accordion.
you know that a two-step snake wasn't an early form of line-dancing.
you know that a Bouncing-Betty wasn't an energetic dance partner.
you know that a dance-card was an abridged mission schedule.
your pep-rally pennant for serious sports was the unit's guidon.
you know that intestinal fortitude isn't a health-food supplement.
you know that fruit salad on a uniform doesn't signify sloppy eating.
your first junk-food was contraband pogy-bait.
you cooked your meals with C-4 plastic explosive.
your first government-approved diet plan was cold C-rations.
you know that S.O.S. is not a rescue call.
you know that a double-apron and punji stakes aren't related to cooking.
you know that a cook-off round wasn't a chef's contest.
you know that a barbecue pit full of hot coals wasn't a firebase.
you know that butter-bar and shake-n-bake have nothing to do with food.
your beer ration was more useful as a commodity than as a consumable.
your first gastronomic adventure was nuoc-mam sauce.
you know that the kitchen police did not investigate food crimes.
you know that a messhall was very different from a refectory or restaurant.
you think all restaurants should decorate with sandbags, steel-mesh, and grenade-sumps.
your inspection haircut ever included a shaved forehead.
you thought a spit-shine was literally unsanitary ... until you learned how.
you discovered that drill and ceremonies was more than pomp and pretense.
you know the difference between ranks and files.
you know the difference between echelon, oblique, and flank.
you know that route-step is the military command for out of step.
you know that the command to dress right isn't a sartorial injunction.
your first occasion to wear formal attire was a parade.
you recognize headgear, from caps to covers, as part of military theatrics.
you know that a head-shrinker is a type of hat that keeps professionals modest.
you made a fashion statement or political comment with your flak-jacket.
you know that a gig-line isn't an off-course trajectory.
you know that military tan isn't a color, but a sunburn pattern around your uniform.
your personal collection of fungi and other crud is called jungle-rot.
your first custom-made personalized jewelry was dog-tags.
you know that F.O.B. has nothing to do with lading freight.
you know that the military invented one size fits all.
you believe that midnight requisition was a revolutionary act of liberation.
you beat the low-bid supply system by shopping on the Black Market.
your home-folks thought going overseas was a good chance to shop cheap.
you know that a short-sheet was standard supply issue.
you ever gave a blanket party to the barrack's tap-dancer.
you know that nonjudicial punishment kept your record clean, and reputation intact.
you know that an Article 15 wasn't an anthologized short-story.
you know that delinquent jawbone wasn't an unpaid war-story account.
you discovered that leeches come in two-legged and multi-legged varieties.
you know that going A.W.O.L. could put you behind walls permanently.
you wondered if a section eight was related to an 8-ball.
you ever brought an M72 L.A.W. to trial and got inconsistent justice.
you know a blooper has nothing to do with silly mistakes.
you know that a Bangalore torpedo wasn't a hero sandwich.
you know that a toe-popper wasn't a variety of popcorn.
you know that Dust Off wasn't a miraculous cleaning solvent.
you know that the Jolly Green Giant wasn't marketing vegetables.
you know that an air-burst has nothing to do with comical farts.
you thought that cordite was the military version of air-freshener.
you know that F.U.B.A.R. is a multiplied magnitude of S.N.A.F.U..
you know that F.U.B.B. is a compound gradient of T.A.R.F.U..
you know that no OPLAN ever survived contact with the enemy.
you know that military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
you know that a frag-report is what the military called half-true gossip.
you know that the Five O'Clock Follies were like a vaudeville show.
you know that S.A.L.U.T.E. was also an acronym used as a tactical mnemonic.
you know that a C&C was a flying Command Post.
you know the difference between a C.P. and a tepee.
you know the difference between a T.O.C. and a T.O.&E..
you know the difference between password and countersign.
you know that password isn't a low-tech message method.
you know that the company runner needed to be both an athlete and a diplomat.
you believe that the chain of command exists to blame the messenger.
you know that a rainmaker cannot control the monsoons.
you know that an efficiency report was official fiction.
you know that a bayonet-sheet was a lethal type of evaluation.
you know that a shit list was a permanent Duty Roster.
you know that camouflage cannot conceal a brown-noser.
you know that even the goat gets saluted.
you know that a swagger-stick isn't a magic wand or a regal scepter.
you've ever secured an L.Z. so a brass-hat could safely boost morale.
you know that a mortar has nothing to do with spices or cement.
you know that a real Jungle Expert doesn't use a machete.
you know that a Daisy-Cutter wasn't a weed-whacker or farm tool.
you know that C.B.U.s weren't early computer processors.
you know that microwave and infrared radiation has more uses than cooking.
you know that a M.A.R.S. phone-call wasn't an extraterrestrial com-link.
you thought that the U.S.O. was a type of U.F.O. from the Twilight Zone.
you know that turrets and cupolas have more uses than on Victorian houses.
you know that foxholes usually developed into bunkers.
you know that spider-holes often connected to tunnel networks.
you know that hasty-positions were often called shallow graves.
you know the perimeter kept you in, as much as it kept the enemy out.
you know why barbed-wire has been called devil's-rope.
you know that both a fuse and a fuze have explosive potential.
you know that det-cord is faster than a speeding bullet.
you know that napalm and foo-gas are just the latest version of Greek Fire.
you know that a molotov cocktail has nothing to do with adult beverages.
you know that P.S.P. kept vehicles from being mired in viscid monsoon mud.
you know that BUFF was much more than a color.
you know an Arc Light wasn't a special bulb or lamp.
you know that Rolling Thunder was more than an electrical storm.
you know that Linebacker was more than a football maneuver.
you know that tallyho wasn't an aristocratic expression of snobbish blue-bloods.
you know that bingo wasn't a number-matching game played for prizes.
you know that the fly boys go home to roost on their bird farm.
you know that a B.D.A. collects evidence on converted true-believers.
you've ever fervently prayed for tac-air.
you know that a sky-pilot was a soldier in the God squad.
you know that a skyhook wasn't intended to catch falling angels.
you know that a fire team neither ignites or extinguishes bonfires.
your rules for noise and light discipline were enforced by the enemy.
you know that a four-deuce wasn't a winning poker hand.
you know that the point man wasn't a gambling accountant.
you know that the slack man is the unit's navigator and pacesetter.
you know that the drag man doesn't haul garbage.
you know the difference between a hike and a patrol.
you learned to make your R.O.N. position a relocation fall-back.
you know that a pen flare isn't a felt-tipped Flair pen.
you know that a parachute flare has nothing to do with fashion or talent outbursts.
you know the difference between a joss-stick and a pugil-stick.
you know that rust isn't the spirit of the bayonet.
you know that preventive maintenance was a form of make-work.
you realized that piasters were worth less than barter.
you know that M.P.C. was legitimate funny money.
you know that tracers aren't indebtedness or insolvency agents.
you know that incoming isn't about the entry of visitors.
you know that lock-and-load is in the wrong order.
you know that friendly fire isn't!
you know that a mad minute has nothing to do with special shopping frenzies.
you know that a Drop Zone wasn't the designated fumble area.
you know a Landing Zone and Pick-up Zone shouldn't be the same, but often must be.
you know that even an exfil has an order of march.
you know that a hot-extraction has nothing to do with dentistry.
your A.O. is where everyone thinks you are located.
your P.O.C. is where you really are ... and maybe reinforcements can find you.
you know that a back-azimuth will get you permanently lost.
you know that a land line wasn't a navigational contour bearing.
you know that your Final Protective Line was not a rappelling belay.
you know a Malayan Gate has nothing to do with ornamental doors.
you know the difference between V.C., N.L.F., N.V.A., and P.A.V.N..
you know the difference between an R.P.D. and an R.P.G..
you know the difference between .45ACP, C-46, AK-47, and M-48.
you know that Puff The Magic Dragon wasn't an imaginary beast.
you know that Spooky wasn't a cartoon character.
you know a chopper was neither a motorcycle nor kitchen ware.
you know a slick wasn't a grease spot or oily residue.
you know an air assault flare is how a helo suddenly brakes.
you know that pull pitch wasn't about tar removal, roof angles, or musical keys.
you know a claymore wasn't an old Scottish sword.
you know that a slit-trench wasn't a fortification.
you know there isn't enough time to dig a cat-hole when you've got the trots.
you know that fire-in-the-hole doesn't describe diarrhea.
you know that a hang-fire has nothing to do with constipation.
you know an artillery fan has nothing to do with cooling air.
you know the difference between repeat and say-again.
you know the difference between roger and wilco.
you know the difference between over and out.
you know the difference between squawk and squelch.
you know that a call-sign wasn't a talking guide-post.
you know that the designated actual was the real thing.
you know the difference between a twix and a sitrep.
you know the difference between rifles and guns.
you know that a bolo was the cut-off for disqualification.
you know that sniper calculations produce dividends greater than the sum of its parts.
you learned to save half of your night-vision by closing one eye during probes.
you know the starlight scope has nothing to do with astronomy.
you know that an ammo dump wasn't where used and defective munitions are discarded.
you know a 30-round magazine wasn't a heavily recycled periodical.
you know that a CONEX container wasn't used for sanitary-napkins.
you know that a booby-trap wasn't a trick brassiere.
you know that a short-shot wasn't evidence of sexual inadequacy.
you know that a short-arm inspection wasn't conducted by the armorer.
you know the cadence of Jody calls wasn't a Dear John sequence.
you know that a fast-mover wasn't a lecherous swinger or ardent womanizer.
you know that Willie-Peter wasn't sexual innuendo.
you have ever used condoms ... as a weather-barrier.
you know that a P.O.W.-snatch mission wasn't a red-light district incursion.
you know that K.I.S.S. wasn't a romantic strategy.
you believe that troops infected with incurable clap are still held incommunicado as M.I.A..
you ever practiced horizontal drill with camp-followers.
you believe that hookers were patriotic camp-followers.
you know that doughnut dollies weren't playmates made of flour.
you know that an Observation Post wasn't voyeuristic surveillance.
you know that number-one boom-boom wasn't an After Action Report.
you know a gong has nothing to do with amateur talent shows.
you know that a motor-mouth isn't as tough as he pretends.
you know that P.O.V. is how the government refers to personal transportation.
your first All Terrain Vehicle was either an A.P.C. or helicopter.
you know that a military gas-station was a P.O.L. depot.
you know the difference between a lister-bag and a blivet.
you were too poor to pay attention, and too tense to stand at-ease.
you thought parade rest was a kind of brace.
you know that mill-around was an unofficial cluster formation.
you know that a mark-time formation has nothing to do with clock-watching.
you know that a date/time group wasn't used to designate time-on-target.
you know that stand-down isn't an order to sit or recline.
stand-to for dawn operations always began at 0001 hours!
you know that a 24-hour zulu clock ignores time-zone intervals.
you know that a military tattoo is more than skin-art.
your first work-whistle and punch-clock was a bugle call.
your earliest career goal was three hots and a flop.
you've had several billets that reminded you of cut logs and steel barstock.
you know that a draft is much more than an annoying breeze.
you know that a Re-Up was reminiscent of an upchuck.
you know that a military hitch was like an arranged marriage without a honeymoon.
you know that a R.I.F. was more than a disagreeable separation.
your boss's first name was his rank.
you know that a top-kick isn't the best dancer in a dazzling chorus-line show.
you recognize a mustang as a horse of a different color.
you thought 90-Day Wonders graduated from Organized Chicken Shit.
you know that a cao boy cannot ride herd on a lone-wolf maverick.
you know that a sheep-dipped hot-dogger usually acts like a loose cannon.
you know that a Wobbley is an expert technician without command authority.
you were grateful for the recycled experience of an old dogface retread.
your Platoon Sergeant typified the quip: Your mother wears combat boots!
you knew that some lifers were homesteading their secure assignments.
your pinning promotion almost left you maimed ... but happy.
you discovered that leadership wasn't a popularity contest.
the salute respected the rank and position, more than the person.
you know that gung-ho means alot more than just being strac.
you know that a footlocker wasn't a storage trunk for spare boots and shoes.
you never saved any money with the FREE mail franking privilege.
you know that the R.E.M.F.s made resupply and mail-call happen.
you know that ghosting meant being present for no accountable duty.
you know that sandbagging had nothing to do with battlements or revetments.
you know that T.D.Y. felt just like an authentic P.C.S., but without the credit.
you know the only mission that grunts have ever gotten is bootstrap.
you know that a F.A.C. and F.O. were also on the front-line with you.
you know the dirty work of E.O.D. and Combat Engineers matches the grunts.
you understood different strokes for different folks as M.O.S. cross-training.
you know that White Mice were the host constabulary.
you know that boonie-rats aren't field-tested experimental animals.
you know that a Class One resupply and Zulu Report are more useful than a Form One.
you know the difference between getting wasted and zapped.
you know that a humorless straight-arrow was often an early casualty.
your first delusional hallucination was caused by sleep deprivation.
you know that steel-pot wasn't a type of bullet-proof psychotropic.
you know that a Free Fire Zone wasn't the designated smoking area.
your job was much more hazardous than smoking ... and tobacco was free.
your job never got a warning-label from the Surgeon General.
you ever made propitiatory sacrifices for the well-being of your medic.
you ever used your mosquito net to collect specimen biota for medical science.
you thought the mosquito was the war's principal combatant.
your first blood bath was the result of leeches.
you thought urban renewal was an operational objective.
you know that hazardous duty pay was always inadequate.
you know that Agent Orange wasn't a garish or clandestine talent scout.
you know that a litter detail wasn't assigned to make more trash and debris.
you think the ecology movement truly began on Search-and-Destroy field-trips.
you know the difference between an excursion and an incursion.
you reverse your cap only for a target reticle sight-picture.
you sat-on, washed-in, cooked-in, dug-with, and wore your one-size-fits-all helmet.
you know the difference between a hunker and a squat.
you know that a rice-burner was an energetic straw-hat.
you can recognize the subtle differences between gooks, dinks, and slopes.
your first foreign language was Mil-Speak.
you were at risk of losing your native language to pidgin.
you learned that the locals could make be nice mean many different things.
you know the phrase sorry about that really means tough shit.
you know that a shit magnet attracted bad joss and evil karma.
your first virtual-reality theme park wasn't a fun daydream.
you know that the Rules of Engagement were a surrealistic farce.
you know that Pacification didn't persuade any hearts and minds.
you know that tunnel rats were hybridized excavators and spelunkers.
you realized that underground counterculture had a sinister new meaning.
you discovered that rock'n'roll could be belt-fed.
you know that Mission Impossible was much more than a TV show.
you know that yesterday is always easier than tomorrow.
your R & R was more exhausting than humping the ruck.
your reputation as a short-timer implied more than your D.E.R.O.S. date.
you know that free love wasn't any freer than any other unearned Freedom.
you believe that Return To Base was one of the most beautiful phrases on earth.
you thought We Gotta Get Outta This Place was the new national anthem.
you thought the Freedom Bird was as mythical as the Phoenix ... until you boarded.
you know that Escape and Evasion is how most citizens deal with moral conflicts.
you know that stacked-arms is politics as usual.
you were left disarmed on the home-front after leaving the combat zone.
your distinctive team jacket shows a combat patch and badges.

For a complete explanation of any item, consult the nearest Viêtnam veteran.